ROBIN DARKE

It would seem so, especially according to The Daily Mail, or people who have seen it over the past few months. Comparisons are already being made to it’s heyday of Dirty Den’s dealings and the epic Diederick Santer era, but even harking back to a bygone age isn’t productive to something which needs to represent current life. Which is something that Eastenders claims to be proud of. 

But why? Why has Eastenders taken such a slump in ratings and people’s opinions, compared to Emmerdale, Coronation Street, Hollyoaks and, dare I even say it, Doctors? What has effectively ruined a perfectly amiable show?

Could it be that Eastenders has become too concerned with customer complaints. For instance, having 10,000 watchers complained about the controversial Babyswap storyline which turned out to be just Samantha Janus crying in a black waterfall cardigan must have stung a bit. How much do you fly in the face of public opinion if you know you have a decent story to tell? This taming of the Eastenders story lines wasn’t always like this, however. Back in the 1980s, Eastenders prided itself on being a grim look at family life in the East End of London. It was dark, stark and dangerous, and that was just Pat Butcher. The greasy walls of Kathy’s Cafe reflected a World totally abject from the Northern hole that I was brought up in, obsessed by microwaveable food and deciding who would win between Orco or My Little Pony. Even watching it as a child was a terrifying event. June Brown’s teeth and her Child Catcher look stood as a water test for how horrific people in London were. On my one and only trip to London at the age of 10, I was expecting to bump into skeletal harridans on their way back from shtupping someone’s husband (in reality, it was Jibba Jabbas everywhere). 

In a World where Bryan Kirkwood believes that making us believe Whitney Dean is pregnant, but then pulls the rug under our feet and have her not pregnant, is a cruel, cruel World. Not because we’ve all become emotionally invested in the character, but just because it’s a flagrant waste of the watcher’s time. Do I really have the time to waste being told that some skeet who’s going to get pregnant eventually isn’t? Of course I don’t! Stop playing with our lives Kirkwood et al.

This isn’t the only storyline that has made no sense of the past few months. Another one is Roxy Mitchell’s sudden fall into destitution. For those of you who don’t remember, Roxy was left the majority of her late father, and kiddie rapist, Archie Mitchell’s estate. It essentially made her minted overnight. Great news! People love seeing rich people on TV. It’s partially where the appeal of TOWIE and Made In Chelsea lies. That and the cast being total knob wipes. Roxy was incredibly rich, she bought flash things for her daughter (the oddly invisible Amy) and shops. At some point she might have owned Bootys. The nail salon is like Mayfair on Monopoly, everyone wants to own it, so it’s possible that Dot could branch out by the end of the year. 

Another example is Derek Branning’s racism. Derek is a renowned racist, he has been for years. He hated Alan back in the 90s and called people ‘Boy” in 2012. As racists go, his isn’t the best career that’s ever been. That sounds a little like we want him to be more racist doesn’t it? That’s a terrible sentence to write, let’s gloss over it by focusing on what it means to the overall state of story lines and their chronological impact shall we?

If something is a massive part of their character; like Derek’s racism, or Roxy’s money, or Jim’s racism for that matter, or Max forgiving Tanya for burying him alive that time, is it a case of bad writing if these things are forgotten about in exchange for a poor plot choice? Of course not! It’s lazy writing. Which is definitely an area that Eastenders has fallen by the wayside with. And bearing it mind what the next point is, is a little odd.

Eastenders has a rich heritage to mine for inspiration. If it hasn’t been done by Eastenders so far, chances are that it isn’t going to be. Drugs, HIV, Cancer, rape, affairs, homosexuality, cults, domestic abuse, fairground ride accidents. It’s all in the almost thirty year history. There’s loads that can be taken, brought up to date and then spun so it’s entertaining. But when the show becomes obsessed with paying homage to an era who’s only redeeming feature was Bianca Jackson’s puffa jacket is setting themselves up for a fall. 

Yes, there were good times. Who among you can say that they didn’t have a tear in their eye when Alfie bought that snow machine for Kat? Or when Mark Fowler drove off on his motorbike to find somewhere to die. Like a cat. Or when Tiffany took on a car and lost. All very sad times. But very sad times in the past. History is a massive part of everything, thick books full of words have told us this, but what happens when history starts to overrule the future? Mandy Salter is what happens. 

This whole exercise in futility, fleshing out the bones of a character no one would have remembered unless they were on a particularly nostalgic YouTube trip, is annoying and pointless. She was an irritating character twenty years ago, so how anyone drew the conclusion that this is what people wanted to see is baffling. And to pair her with Ian Beale, the only single man with money in the Square to fulfil an ‘Is She/Isn’t She’ a gold digger plot has got very old, incredibly fast. The lazy story has Ian repeatedly proposing after Mandy does something stupid, like sleeping with Ricky Butcher (another by-product of a poorer time on Eastenders) or wanting to care for her dying mother. Mandy is like a verruca; you need medical treatment to go away and she appears when there’s an abundance of dirt. 

The entire problem that the people behind Eastenders has is that they’ve lost the vision of what the watchers want. Despite the controversial story lines, like the Baby Swap and the death of Danielle at the hands of a fast moving car, it still had people watching. Even though there was a ‘mass boycott’ ratings went up, rewarding the storyliners for their bravery, but somehow, the current breed; lead by the ineptitude of Bryan Kirkwood, has lost what made Eastenders brilliant and turned it into a mediocre soap opera. I would love to even say that Eastenders is a better version of Hollyoaks, except it isn’t. It’s not even Family Affairs for crying out loud. It rests on par with a spin off centred on the failed Ferrera family. 

What do you think? Have you stuck by Eastenders through the thick and thin and are loving the trials and tribulations of the new breed of young Eastenders stars? Do you think that Mandy breathes fresh life into poor Ian’s life?

It’s back! And aren’t you glad? How have you been? Struggling to watch decent TV I’d wager. God aren’t you all stupid? But let’s not dwell on that, you don’t need that on a Monday. Mondays are bad enough as they are without having your complete ineptitude at watching TV pointed out to you. Honestly. 

ONE TO WATCH

56 Up - ITV1, 9:00pm

Almost fifty years after the landmarked series began, it’s time to see what’s up with the people who’ve decided to have their lives followed by ITV. But it’s more than grumbling about pension plans and mortgage worries. This is life affecting stuff. What’s the point in life? What happens when the dreams and aspirations that you’ve grown up to yearn for are like one drop in an ocean of regrets? Well, 56 Up is going to address these issues, and hopefully make us all feel better about life and relieve the crushing weight of parental expectations and a raft of ‘Whats the points’.

ONE TO MISS

Watching The Detectives: Channel 4 Dispatches - Channel 4, 8:00pm

Worried about what information about you is floating around on the internet? Or consistently annoyed at how people manage to ring you trying to sell inferior mobile phone tariffs? Or maybe just want to watch something that is going to boil however much piss you have left in your body after insisting the doctor does all those tests? 

You seem like the persistently angry. What’s that like? Hows the blood pressure? I bet you hate immigration don’t you? Those bastards taking all those jobs. Monsters. Well, chill out your throbbing temple veins a second and just relax. Because watching this programme will make you want to explode with rage. 

Welcome, people who are curious enough to click a link purely based on their need to know everything. This is the first in a BRAND NEW SERIES BASED ON A TOTALLY ORIGINAL IDEA that sums up the past week in soap in three easy steps. You won’t need to know anything else information other than what it held within these words. Which in this modern World of 24 hour McDonalds and “smartphones”, is a great gift. It’s the gift of efficiency. So without further ado:

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