Welcome, people who are curious enough to click a link purely based on their need to know everything. This is the first in a BRAND NEW SERIES BASED ON A TOTALLY ORIGINAL IDEA that sums up the past week in soap in three easy steps. You won’t need to know anything else information other than what it held within these words. Which in this modern World of 24 hour McDonalds and “smartphones”, is a great gift. It’s the gift of efficiency. So without further ado:
This is how we feel about this series of The Apprentice. It’s just not very good compared to previous years. Where’s Claire and her AK47 of bullshit? Or Ahmed and his plate smashing antics? (Well, that was Big Brother, but imagine that malarkey going on in the boardroom. Brilliant.)
There’s no stand out characters making us hate our lives and yearning for the hours spent extolling how awful ‘Character A’ is compared to ‘Character B.’ God, that ‘Character A’ is such a bitch. What was she playing at not listening to ‘Character C’? And spitting at Karren.
We’re not bothered that Katie went, or how irritating Jenna is. Truth be told, this may be the final time we watch The Apprentice. Unless they have a good batch of contestants for the Interview Stage. We love us some Claude Littner.
But, as promised, here’s a joke from @kriswould. We all know that thats the only reason you’re here. We’re not stupid.
Bankers vs Hipsters. On this episode of the apprentice, both ends of the wanker spectrum collide.
Now be off with you. Rebekak Brooks is on TV, so there’s bound to be somewhere that needs mopping.
We’ve all seen Avengers Assemble by now, haven’t we? All that zooming and quippy dialogue really made it one of the best Marvel films that has been released in the last few years. But as we wait for another couple of years until the, probably, brilliant sequel gets released, we can all speculate wildly about what we would like to see, and what we would probably not see.
The Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver
Starting our list off is a contentious pair. Children of the Master of Magnetism, and the creator of the best grey this side of Caryn Franklin, these two have been additions to both The Avengers AND X-Men, but where do their allegiances lie? Well that’s not for us to say, we’re not writers of multimillion pound franchises, but seeing whether they would be allies for The Avengers, or as part of an evil super-powered team, would be great. The Scarlet Witch famously went a bit post partem crazy on The Avengers, killing a number of them and running off to live on a mountain lodge somewhere, and Quicksilver can run very fast.
IMPERIUS REX! It’s only Namor The Sub-Mariner
Still looking at the potential villains that The Avengers can face off against in a dramatic battle, Namor is swimming pretty high. Famous for being a general nightmare to work with, and against, and frequent suitor of the Fantastic Four’s Susan Storm, as well as being Marvel’s First Mutant, having a quick quipping, super strong Atlantean is just what the franchise needs to fill the CGI water budget now that Piranha 3DD has found it’s footing with the drug addled youth and people making the most of their Orange Wednesdays.
Any Mutants At All
With X-Men: First Class being set in the late 60s, and nothing else being referenced so far by the pantheon of Marvel releases, the clock is ticking for some new Marvel-ous mutant appearances. It’s just a shame that by the time we’re up to date, Emma Frost will be kicking 80 and Magneto will be threatening the World within reach of his tablets and wondering where his free pen from Over50Plan is. Truth be told, seeing a modern interpretation of Dazzler dressed like she’s just come from a Rihanna video is too great an opportunity to pass up isn’t it?
Not that terrible film with her from Twilight in it, but the rag tag band of super-powered teens that were a surprise hit for Marvel a few years ago. With strong links to current Marvel continuity (one of the characters is the creation of Avengers’ villain Ultron and another is a Skrull, who we will discuss later), a few appearances of the heroic young adults would bring a new generation of superheroes into the mix, and hopefully into their own spin-off. It’s about time that the Runaways were massive, the book is one of the best Marvel has ever published. And who can argue why, being created by Brian K. Vaughan who later worked on Lost for two years. This also applies for the Young Avengers as well, obviously.
Ant-Man and The Wasp
Ant-Man looks like it might be one of the next Marvel releases to make our eyes bleeds with joy, and being penned by Edgar Wright (Shaun Of The Dead, Spaced, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World) it might just be different enough from the usual gung-ho heroics of Iron Man and Captain America to set a new bar for superhero action films. As a member of The Avengers for over forty years, Hank Pym is responsible for not only nasty robot man, Ultron, but also the most superhero identities that one person can hold. Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Holding A Bit Of Holiday Weight-Man, Lollipop Head-Man.
Them Pesky Skrulls
The Skrulls have been a thorn in the side of the Fantastic Four since the early 60s, and been generally badass since the 00s, culminating in a nefarious plot to cede sleeper agents and take over the Earth in 2008’s Secret Invasion. With their long running feud with the blue faced, but still completely loveable by their mothers, Kree, it’s only a matter of time until they show they’re ridged heads. In fact, they might already be there. We were all surprised when Scarlett Johansson suddenly started acting “well” weren’t we? Just saying.
The Fantastic Four
Now that Chris Evans has upgraded to Captain America and left his post as Human Torch behind him, it means that the whole franchise needs to be rebooted. Which has what Fox announced in 2009, luckily. Having a CGI double of the same person playing two separate characters has been ruined by Eddie Murphy. Seeing the Fantasti-Car whizzing around the streets of New York while Thor beats down some poor hapless Asgardian would be a lovely way to flesh out the Marvel Universe without getting bogged down in joint continuities.
Those From Far, Far Away
Moving deftly around spoilers for the final, post credit scenes, we’ll just say that having villains from beyond the stars, and further, would notch up the danger of the sequel. There’s a whole Multiverse of villains out there that could, and have, stood they’re own against The Avengers on numerous occasions. The Skrulls, the Shi’Ar, the High Evolutionary. The pinnacle of cosmic villains has to be Galactus, last seen as disappointing gaseous cloud in Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. Essentially, what we’re saying is, show us the purple horns Joss Whedon.
Mrs Nicholas Joseph Fury
Every member of The Avengers has their own sexytime partner back home; Tony Stark has Pepper Potts (as well as a strong of floozies), Thor had Jane Foster for a time and Steve Rogers had Peggy Carter, but who does Nick Fury cuddle up to a cold Winter’s night after a hard day of anti-terrorisming? Agent Coulson perhaps? Or a typical 50s housewife, complete with beehive and Cath Kidston inspired apron? Personally, seeing Nick Fury having up his eyepatch on a Dick Van Dyke Show hat trick would be tremendously heart warming. Maybe there’s mini-Furys playing Lego somewhere and being affectionately called his ‘Howling Commandos’?
Girls! Girls! Girls!
If there’s one thing that the Marvel Universe do well, it’s strong willed female characters. Ms. Marvel, Black Widow, Spider-Woman, Domino, Jean Grey, Sharon Carter, there’s literally pages upon pages of interesting characters that can be drafted into villains and allies. Seeing She-Hulk, playing by Scorpio from ITV’s Gladiators would be beyond amazing. Actually, having a credible interpretation of Models Inc. would be enough to quell the critiques of Whedon’s attitude to women. Imagine! Something that has the female empowerment of Buffy, mixed with the sensibilities of America’s Next Top Model and Sex And The City is clearly too good to pass up.
No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee
No, not Vodafone, but only the bladdy Apprentice isn’t it?
After last week’s disastrous trip to Edinburgh, Lord Sugar decided to take things back to basics and put the most famous Yuppies since Gordon Gecko in charge of a market stall. Like what Delboy and Rodney did to much success. Only this time, there was no Trigger. Which is a shame because that would’ve made this episode of The Apprentice rather entertaining. Instead of stressing about what products to buy and in what quantities, having Adam falling through a bar would’ve been much better.
But us wishing that Only Fools and Horses was as popular as it was in it’s heyday isn’t what you’re here for, so pop in those earplugs, start chewing a sweet because things are going to get a little choppy.
It wouldn’t be a Wagging Finger Of Shame look at The Apprentice if there wasn’t a terse summing up from @kriswould, so here goes!
After successfully selling fake tan to the people of Essex, Lord Sugar has called off the ‘piss up in a brewery’ task.