Snazzy printed polo shirts are my new jam now.
So, for some inexplicable reason, a bunch of people I know got working on a hashtag called #mof4NME which was a not-so-serious call to get me behind the wheel of one of the world’s most prestigious music rags. If you didn’t know, the editor - Krissy Murrison - just left to go and write for The Times. So, playing along, I applied with the NME’s owners, IPC, to be the new editor.
Below, is the cover letter I actually sent for the job. Shall we politely say that it isn’t your average cover letter. Hope you enjoy it… and no, I haven’t heard back from them. Probably all the grammatical errors and typos.
We can blather on about how great TV is, or how important it is that good TV is put to it’s best use, but The Apprentice is on tonight and that’ll make everything else seem alright. That train that you missed? Doesn’t matter, The Apprentice is on. Got shat on by a bird (and didn’t pay for it), doesn’t matter, The Apprentice is on. Basically, the only thing you should know is that The Apprentice is on.
If you do want to watch something else, or want to fill in the time between watching The Apprentice and then reading our hilarious catchup, then we’re suppose there’s nothing wrong with that.
One To Watch
Archer, 5*, 10:30pm
We could talk about how fantastic Archer is, or what it means in the grander scheme of adult animation, but instead we’ll leave you with this.
One To Say You’ve Watched
Peter Andre: My Life, ITV2, 7:00pm
It’s a bit of shame that the man who brought us ‘Mysterious Girl’ has to stoop to shilling his brother’s cancer to make a new series on ITV2. It could possibly be the lowest point of his “career” and he’s gone down on Katie Price before.
Tonight, Andrew (Pete’s brother) undergoes more tests to see whether he actually has cancer, and not like Katie Price claimed she had in her little finger, and Peter takes a stroll down memory lane.
We’re boring ourselves just writing these words but expect lots of footage of his children and Peter Andre crying about what they mean to him. If this man could monetize crying he would be a billionaire.
But he wouldn’t because he’s such a nice guy.
Do we wish Tuesday was actually Friday? Of course we do. We would love to tell you that tomorrow is Saturday and that you don’t need to get up, but we’re not magicians. We’re just normal people who have to get up, just like you. We wee like you. We pick our feet just like you filthy lot. We even hate ourselves for eating white bread. JUST LIKE YOU.
To help us make it up to you, why not allow us to point you in the right direction vis a vis television.
One To Watch
Mad Men, Sky Atlantic, 9:00pm
Although Mad Men has drifted on and on for what seems like hours without much happening, last week something brilliant happened. The British one had a fight with that long streak of piss Pete and it was GREAT! It made up for all that soul searching that Betty did when she didn’t have Cancer. Pete finally got what was coming to him and it was such a shame that Joan didn’t spit on him.
Perhaps Mad Men is ramping up to something fantastic, or it might fall into a damp squib of pencil skirts and shift dresses. But until then, we’re back on the Mad Men train until further notice.
One To Say You’ve Watched
Britain Unzipped, BBC 3, 9:00pm
If there’s one thing that gets on our nerves it’s comedians who we’re told are totally funny when in fact they aren’t. Michael McIntyre, Rhod Gilbert, Jon Culshaw, Debra Stephenson, most impressionists in fact, and Russell Kane.
It isn’t just that the man isn’t funny, although that is a massive part of the problem, it’s his attitude to his career. He has nothing to show for all this acclaim that he’s got apart from dancing as Beyonce for Let’s Dance For Sport Relief and a stupid stripe in his hair. We’re not going to like every person that is pushed in front of our eyes, of course we’re not. Even the probabilities will be stacked against it without taking into account personalities, however weak. But people who commission TV shows needs to understand that flogging a dead horse can get irritating, and eventually people will stop tuning in.
Even his partner in crime on Britain Unzipped, Radio 1 DJ and Ellie Goulding sexer, Greg James, can’t diminish the enhanced stupor that will wash over you.
Britain Unzipped is set to look at British behaviour and reveal what goes on behind closed doors, when in fact we’d like to see what happens behind the closed doors that get Russell Kane work.